GB No. 11, spring 1993

"...I am writing to you to ask you not to send me any more Green Brigades, since you never mention population, either that of Poland, or of the world," wrote somebody about one year ago. This person suggested it was because Poland is a Catholic country and is opposed to birth control. To correct this error we publish below a satiric text about population growth I found in Eko Styl magazine. It is especially meaningful to me because I remember it from my first ecolocical meeting when I started to be active in the green movement a few years ago. At that time, I treated this text only humorously, but now...

Andrzej Żwawa


Andrzej Warchal

According to estimates by the year 2000 there will be 40 square centimetres for every inhabitant of the Earth. This density will be maintained throughout the planet, including along the shallow off-shore areas.

"Is there anyone awake?" said the tallest one, glancing over the heads of his neighbours. "We've got a beautiful morning today."

"Fascinating," added the one next to him. "How did you sleep?"

"As usual. At first I couldn't get to sleep, I just kept turning round."

"What s new?"

"Nothing. Just that the chairman fell during the night. He had a lovely area, over a square meter. They wanted to quarter someone along with him on it."

"Perhaps he was right to do it. He'd have had trouble now, but he fell and he's got no worries now."

"He always used to say, poor devil, he had fresh air," said the first one. "Up over a precipice, but still, there were neighbors only on three sides."

"Too bad," added a third one. "He was probably the best expert on economics. He was the first to say it was affected by the tectonic shift of the population."

"As he was standing there and computing it all, he came up with the result that we had moved 20 cm towards a new political system. The chairman was a man of progress."

"I'd change the system," said the second one, "it's gotten too conservative."

"What d'yah mean?" said the third, "Yesterday I learned they'd increased my pension. If you stand still there, they might do the same for you."

"But that's not how you stand for progress!"

"Don't tell me how I'm to stand. I'm a working man. There's even a group of people standing over by the woods that's been named after me."

"You're lucky to have grown so tall. But some tectonic shifts might still be coming."

"They're bound to be pre-determined. And I've already exchanged a sympathetic look with our chairman this morning."

"Would you stop arguing," said one on the right. "It doesn t make much difference, anyway, because there's a war coming. They're pushing on us like hell."

"There'll be a disarmament campaign," said someone from the side. "The trouble is there's nowhere to throw the weapons away."

"As far as I'm concerned it might as well be war," said the first one. "There's nothing to put in your mouth anyway. Fewer and fewer flies. Hard to catch."

"There are supposed to be some fly-flavoured tablets somewhere."

"But there's nothing like your meat, I say. Before, all had to do was just open your gob and you soon had one, but nowadays you could keep it gaping open half the day and get nothing."

"There was one who had it good," said the third one. "He kept his own bee and it would store honey in his ear."

"They were going to redirect a few hundred insects. There was even talk of several species from the tropics."

"Talk about all the things they were going to do! At the beginning of the summer it was flying carrots, and all that happened was that two beetroots flew past, and very high, too."

"In the West, yah know, flying oranges have been observed. But here you just get vodka sprays in the atmosphere."

"If they could only get that right, I wouldn t mind. Yesterday there was a stream of camomile tea on me all the time which, as it turned out, was supposed to be targeted at the kindergarten area."

"Shut up, the news is coming up."

A team of government representatives is today paying a spiritual visit to Hungary.

"Lucky bastards, going to tour!" said the second one.

Yesterday military manoeuvres were held in the north of the country. The aim was to train the left-turn from basic position.

A group of co-operative members standing on the frontier have decided to hand over their chairman for the Royal Palace re-building appeal.

In connection with the generally difficult situation our Government has decided to introduce remote-controlled ground-to worker-to ground carrots.

Last month a Mr.Peters started a peace march. Tomorrow he is due across our border. Citizens are requested to hold up their arms for at least three hours and pass Mr.Peters on eastwards.

As all of our national literary classics have already been used up, our best film director has set about the filming of De Revolutionibus Orbium Coelestium.

Tomorrow will be cloudy with increasing drizzle and showers. A warning has been issued for those standing in the sea of approaching high waves.

The sun set a minute later today. The matter has been directed to the magistrate's court.

Special announcement. Citizens standing on the western side are asked to shift slightly to the east for frontier correction.

"No change," said the sixth one after awhile. "They tell you to move up, when the Government's lying sprawled over an area of several kilometres."

"It's a good thing the public-spirited ones are up one leg."

"But something has to be done," the second one added.

"I don't know," said the first. "It's so tight, you can't even raise a fist."

"What about all looking the other way?"

"Right," said the second one. "Let's all turn our backs on them and look elsewhere. Let em stand on their own."

Kraków, 1966
translation from "Eko Styl" nr 1(3)/93 by Sigillum Ltd.

GB No. 11, spring 1993 | Contents